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clive whittingham: the world cup on tv

“It’s in Africa this World Cup, you know...” – BBC & ITV at pains to make a point...

Posted: June 22nd 2010
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It’s in Africa this World Cup, you know. I thought I’d mention it in case you hadn’t had it rammed down your throat in the last 30 seconds. If you haven’t, chances are you’ve either just got up or have started to switch off the coverage of this summer’s tournament which is widely and rightly being condemned as the worst since USA 94 when FIFA introduced a policy of showing a yellow card at least once every 30 seconds – and even then they at least played with a ball that the players could keep under the crossbar.

Now maybe I’m being unduly miserable, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time, but I can count the good matches in this World Cup on the fingers of one hand at the moment. The better teams are underperforming, there are too many poor sides simply shutting up shop with everybody behind the ball even against similarly meagre opponents, a lot of the pitches are poor, a ridiculous amount of tickets are unsold, the ball is akin to something you’d play on the beach with and discard at the end of the day and the horns, the bloody Vuvuzelas, my God it’s like having a permanent swarm of bees in my head.

“I think they’re actually starting to play in tune,” said Peter Drury during ITV’s coverage of Spain v Honduras. No, they’re not, you cannot play anything in tune when it can only offer you one note that is out of tune. You can only make a noise with that. It’s like saying a member of Girls’ Aloud is singing in tune, it’s just not possible with the tools available.  Apropos of nothing while I’m mentioning Honduras for the first and possibly last time this tournament, what a surprise to hear Wigan are looking to plunder their embarrassment of tat for a full back this summer. If ever a team was on borrowed time in the top flight it’s the Latics.

Anyway, why doesn’t everybody just cut the crap with this “fabric of a continent” nonsense and admit that the Vuvuzelas bring absolutely nothing to this tournament other than bloody nuisance? It’s like they’re scared to stray off the editorial line that was, is and remains – isn’t it a miracle that a nation that was racially divided to an evil extent just a few short decades ago can host this global spectacle.  It is, it’s wonderful, but we get it now. You’re not going to be branded a racist for saying “aren’t those fucking horns doing your head in now?” I mean they don’t even play when anything happens, it’s just all the time.

Luckily everybody in this country seems as irritated by them as I do, and the BBC are even talking about introducing a red button option that cuts them out. Strange then that they are apparently selling at a rate of two a second in this country now. I fear for the first person that sits near me at Loftus Road next season and gives one a blast.

Peter Drury has been a little more prone than most to pandering to the hosts. Again, perhaps I’m missing something, but is his comment that South Africa’s opening goal against Mexico was “a goal for the whole of Africa” a little bit like suggesting that Greece’s first ever World Cup goal and win against Nigeria should have gladdened hearts across Europe? Were the Ivory Coast players jumping for joy as that goal went in?

ITV have gone for the token African pundits as well with Patrick Viera, yet to speak, and Marcel Desailly. I say African, what I actually mean is French, although you’d never know it from Desailly’s raw outpouring of emotion and joy when his homeland Ghana scored their first goal of the tournament.  As the penalty was slotted away Desailly pumped his fists and screamed with joy before launching into a monologue about what this would all mean to the people of Ghana and the reaction it would get on the streets. It was really quite moving. Or at least it was until I remembered that Ghana means so much to Marcel Desailly he played for France instead because they were better. So not that bothered about the people back home as it turns out – still you’d forgive any Frenchman for seeking citizenship elsewhere the way this has all gone for them so far.

Raymond Domenech’s not entirely unexpected implosion only serves to increase anger that Ireland are not there instead. The Irish would have done much more for this tournament by way of effort, commitment, colour and passion than the vast majority of sides that are there and would certainly be doing better than the French have so far. Sadly the only Irishman we have there, and this is Irish like Marcel Desailly is French, is Mick McCarthy rivalling Alan Green for the most miserable bastard on the BBC.

For their part the BBC are sending a battered double-decker bus around Africa with a work experience student and a bloke that looks a bit like that fella that shouts the introductions out at the World Championship snooker. It might actually be him. The relevance of this bus is lost on me though I’m afraid. On opening night it was parked in some dark, dingy back street with nobody around. Since then it’s been stereotype hunting – “look at that lion”, “look at that person carrying water on their head”, “look at that orphan” that sort of thing. Perhaps the reasons for the bus will become apparent as the tournament progresses. Or perhaps not.

The Beeb’s coverage, on both radio and TV, has the edge over ITV at the moment for the quality of pundits. Recently they’ve wheeled out Jurgen Klinsmann who was a welcome addition, and Roy Hodgson who is fast approaching the status of national treasure. I must say I preferred him on Five’s coverage of Italian football, mainly because he was able to give succinct and knowledgeable insight on a game while staring straight at Laura Esposito’s tits, and I’d be wary of giving him and his repetitive, pattern of play based training sessions the England job with our players apparently “a bit bored” by Capello’s regime.

Still, he’s enthralling to listen to and the more he’s on the better. With ITV’s nearest equivalent being Gareth Southgate, sporting a bright pink shirt with white collar for the England game last week, it’s clear that the Beeb are going to have the edge again this year despite marked improvements from the commercial side.