I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies – the teams did at least make it out of the tunnel. Admittedly only a few feet out of the tunnel, and certainly not onto the pitch, but when you’re playing ‘Clive Tyldesley Man Utd commentary roulette’ you’ll quite often find the game over before the teams have even changed out of their club suits and into their kits.

This is a game that developed at LoftforWords towers in the 2002 World Cup when we noticed that when Tyldesley is commentating it is rarely more than four minutes before Manchester United get a mention. Even if it’s China v Costa Rica, none of the players play for United, no players from those countries have ever played for United, he will still find some way to work in mention of his bloody beloved Red Devils – somebody will have had a trial there once, somebody’s father will have sold t-shirts there once, somebody will have told Shoot magazine that Eric Cantona is their big hero. There’s a Man Utd link in every single chuffing match, and if you’re an irritating, squeaky voiced prick with too much time on your hands you can find it and impart it on a weary nation, totally oblivious to the fact that 95 per cent of the population cannot stand the bastards.

Originally the rule of the game was that once he’d mentioned them you had to turn the television off but, like I say, as it happens in every game usually by the fourth minute we found that we weren’t watching much football any more. And that would never do. I mean have you watched television recently? It’s all nobodies dancing and singing and chavs paying 50p to vote them in or out. Not for me thank you very much, good on Sky for starting to televise the JP trophy and keeping me away from it all.

Anyway now the rule is simply whenever it happens one of me, the staff, Dean Sturridge or the pets who reside at the Towers has to let out an ear piercing scream, throw a bottle of beer at the television and call him a twat. Luckily ITV don’t have much football these days, not only is their coverage terrible but we’re going through television sets at an alarming rate.

Anyway Saturday’s mention came as England and Brazil emerged from the tunnel. Apparently “knowing Wayne”  (Rooney that is, Tyldesley is on first name terms), as Tyldesley seems to believe he does intimately, he would have turned to look at Luisao on the Brazilian team and said “we beat you in the Champions League last season, no problem.” “We” being Man Utd of course, Tyldesley and Man Utd are one and the same.

Commentators by their very nature should not be biased. I mean if I turn on BBC Radio Humberside I don’t expect to hear an anti Phil Brown campaign in full swing, and the Grimsby Town commentary for Eric Sabin’s 94th minute QPR winner at Blundell Park in 2003 is one of the finest two minutes of radio you’ll ever hear, but on national BBC, ITV, Sky etc you don’t expect to hear a self confessed Man Utd fan ranting on about *adopts irritating squeaky voice* “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaayne Roooooooooooney”.

A biased commentator is second only to a biased referee in the irritating stakes and that is why Tyldesley shouldn’t be let anywhere near Man Utd games or a microphone at all until he can shut up about them for more than ten minutes at a time. Get commentators like Martin Tyler (Woking) and Alan Parry (Wycombe)* who couldn’t work mentions of their teams into England v Brazil even if they wanted. (*actually Parry’s team of choice, despite his Wycombe links, is Liverpool – which makes it all the more commendable that he doesn’t “do a Tyledesly” – smart arse ed who once found himself sat next to Alan Parry)

Mind you if Tyldesley was irritating in the England v Brazil game on Saturday, Sky’s attempt at covering England v Australia in the Rugby League Four Nations straight after had to be heard to be believed. Eddie Hemmings, never the most impartial commentator when it comes to the Warrington Wolves at the best of times, openly admitted to being “thoroughly sick” of seeing the Aussies tear our team apart – even in the face of former England international Phil Clarke insisting that we should sit and appreciate the way the Green and Golds execute their game plan and set moves. Perhaps Eddie wouldn’t have been quite so disappointed had he not built up our virtually non-existent chances so much beforehand. Eddie face it, you’re not going to be able to match that Australian back line with two players from Hull KR and one from the Castleford bleedin Tigers.

Anyway Mike ‘Stevo’ Stephenson commentary bingo is far more fun than the Tyldesley game, and results in the destruction of less plasma screens. When watching Rugby League on Sky simply tear up a few sheets of paper, hand them round those on the sofa with some of the following written there and then it’s eyes down for any line across: “any youngster watching knows,” “he’s a tough hombre”, “they need to find terra firma with their kicks”, “that’s a T – R - Y for my”, “I’ll put my house on that one” and so on.

There’s a more homely and likeable bias to the Northern Ireland commentary of John Alexander and Jackie Fullerton. I suppose there’s a sort of sympathetic, pat on the head like, tolerance when it comes to those two because it’s hard to begrudge two football fans who have suffered the Hamilton and McIllroy years at Windsor Park the bit of excitement they’re getting now. Their treatment of David Healy (Sunderland reserves) as some sort of demi-God wears a bit a thin after half a mili-second, especially as Kyle Lafferty is currently a better player playing better, but they don’t make me want to tear my face off in the same way Mssrs Tyldesley and Hemmings did at the weekend. There’s something slightly endearing about listening to the pair of them completely lose it and shout “yes, yes YES” like some over worked porn star whenever Northern Ireland stick one in the net. It’s also refreshing to see players for whom playing for their country actually matters – 12 withdrawals for England again this week, and you just know that at least eight of them will play Premiership football this weekend.

By far and away the best commentary of the weekend though came in the Republic of Ireland v France fixture. Ray Houghton is a fantastic colour co-commentator with tremendous tactical knowledge and Rob Hawthorne is just about the most underrated guy Sky have. Hawthorne cut his teeth covering the Football League on Sky at a time when those in charge felt Alan Brazil was a good side kick. For a young commentator to remain composed and engaged next to a Scotsman from whom beer fumes could be smelt through my surround sound, and who still goes missing from his Talksport breakfast show for days at a time, was worthy of high praise and he is excellent these days.

Houghton and Hawthorne even managed to cope with a microphone disaster in the first half that robbed us of their input for three minutes during which time we only, briefly, heard Houghton disturbingly asking “have I got to grab hold of Rob’s to speak then?”, with a minimum of fuss. I was reminded of Bill Bailey’s stand up piece on the railway buffet car fire where the public address  system suddenly burst into life with the words “Gary, it’s really burning what we gonna do?”

All in all, another Saturday of my life I’ll never get back.