celeb XIs sheffield united by Simon Heath Harvey

Joe Elliott (goalkeeper) Rock god inbetween the sticks, the Def Leppard frontman could be living off former glories but still capable of Hysteria when on form.

Neil Warnock (centre back) - guaranteed to challenge every decision and argue the toss over . . .the toss. Intimidating, imposing, commanding, chews gum like a camel and full of hot air – the perfect centre back.

GP Taylor (midfield maestro) - the Shadowmancer quartet author will weave his magic in the centre of the park, keeping at bay the demonic forces of evil – at least the kids will go home happy.

Michael Palin (coming out of left field) – possesses three . . . or four chief weapons - fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope and the love of the red and white uniforms. Also, very handy for directions when we get into Europe.

Richard Caborn (Centre half) former Minister for Sport is a target man for visiting centre forwards because of his support for the wage cap. Says we’ll get to Wembley next year barring six feet of snow . . .or it might be the year after.

Anna Walker (right wing) – anonymous TV presenter for anyone without cable. Left out alone on the wing, very little to do but looks great.

Paul Heaton (striker) – former Beautiful South front man can sail his ship alone up front now but has a contractual agreement not to turn out against Hull City.

Sean Bean (captain and midfield) - Villain or hero he may be but When Saturday Comes, Sean’s our Sharpe shooter. Tends to adopt dodgy accents in patriot games but encyclopaedic knowledge of Napoleonic wars useful for European tournaments.

Micky Adams (midfield) – manages everyone on the field for short periods of time.