Graeme Souness – Benfica (1997-1999)
Brought to Lisbon on the promise of providing a Portuguese backbone to the side, Souness promptly went out and signed an array of old British lags starting with the half-decent (Mark Pembridge) and descending swiftly into the batty (Michael Thomas, Steve Harkness, Dean Saunders, Gary Charles). And we won’t even mention Brian Deane (oops, too late). Towards the end of the season, Benfica played a crucial home game with Boavista (who finished second in 98-99). Souness ordered the pitch to be watered, so Boavista’s passing game would be disrupted. Benfica lost 0-3, the first goal gifted to the opposition when Paulo Madeira slipped on the sodden surface. Hated rivals Porto won the title for the fifth successive year. Souness ‘ success story in the Sky Sports retirement Home for Former Football Managers.
Bill Asprey – Stoke City (1984-85)
Admittedly, poor old Asprey wasn’t helped by the royal mess left behind by Richie Barker and, thanks to a run on his arrival at the end of the 83-84 season, they managed to avoid relegation from the First Division. But the next season was catastrophic even by Stoke’s noble standards. Persisting with a clapped out Sammy McIlroy and Alan Hudson would have made Graeme Souness proud, but didn’t help results. By November they were bottom, by the end of the season they were 33 points away from safety having registered a lamentable 24 goals and only three wins all season (oddly enough, two of them were against Manchester United and Arsenal). Top scorer that season was Robbie Painter (last heard of at Halifax). He got six goals. Four of them penalties. Oh dear.
Malcolm Allison – Manchester City (1979-80) (and pretty much everywhere else: Plymouth Argyle, Middlesbrough, Palace (twice), Bristol R)
Look, he’s mad, okay? Yes, he has brilliant ideas and, yes, he’s widely acknowledged to be a forward thinking coach. But aside from his first spell at Man City when he had ‘Uncle’ Joe Mercer to keep him in check, and they won the championship and Cup Winners’ Cup, he’s been a liability. Some examples. Signing Steve Daley for £1,437,000. Within a matter of months, he was playing in America. Signing a 17-year-old called Steve McKenzie from Palace for £250,000. Signing Kevin Bloody Reeves for £1,250,000. The ultimate humiliation came when City were knocked out of the Cup by mighty Halifax Town. He was last heard of swearing on local radio in Middlesbrough.
Dave Bassett – Watford (1987-1988)
Managed to undo all of Graham Taylor’s previous ten seasons in one, which is pretty good going by anyone’s standards. He dropped and then sold players like Kevin Richardson and David Bardsley. He brought in Glyn Hodges and the hilariously bad Trevor Senior. Hodges was meant to be a replacement for John Barnes which was, in the words of a local journalist, “the same as a 2CV is a replacement for a Bentley”. They were relegated and ‘Harry’ went to Sheffield United. His replacement, Steve Harrison, was later sacked from the England set-up when a prank involving dropping something unspeakable into a bucket from a great height was revealed by a tabloid.
Roy Hodgson – Bristol City 1982
Before Roy was a go-getting progressive European-style coach with a string of countries under his belt, a man who could turn Fulham from relegation certs to European contenders in a year, he began as assistant to pal Bobby Houghton at City. The pair managed to ease the Robins from the Second Division to the Fourth in two seasons before Houghton was given the sack. What possessed the City board to opt for his assistant will probably only be revealed by the judicious use of primal scream therapy sessions, but Hodgson was indeed appointed. By this time City stars like Chris Garland had long since gone, to be replaced by the likes of the enigmatic Terry Boyle, described by a journalist as a man who “ran like Stan Laurel going the wrong way on a Travelator”. Twenty games, three wins, the sack. Before you could say lingenberry, he was coaching in Sweden.
Bobby Gould – Wales (1997-1999)
Although not entirely to blame for Wales’ malaise , it’s fair to say he did more than most. When I asked Vinnie Jones who was the worst manager he’d worked with, he was mouthing Bobby Gould’s name before I finished the question. The stats speak for themselves. Conceding seven to a team like Holland is perhaps no disgrace, but Turkey (six) and Tunisia (four)? They even lost to Leyton Orient in a friendly. His tactical talks must’ve looked like the sheet music for a progressive rock concept album. Mark Hughes was deployed in midfield, Giggs up front. He then dropped Dean Saunders claiming that Giggs couldn’t play behind a front two. Nathan Blake accused him of racism and refused to play for Wales while he was manager. Not only that, but his eyebrows meet in the middle.
Lawrie McMenemy – Sunderland (1985-1987)
Sunderland managed to succeed where Manchester United and Arsenal failed: luring Lawrie McMenemy away from Southampton. It was a match made in heaven, a big gruff north-easterner and a big gruff north-eastern club. Except he was crap and Sunderland were relegated to the Third Division. He relied too heavily on seasoned old pros, many of whom had little experience of a Division Two dogfight. Mind you, he collected what was then believed to be the most comprehensive collection of moustaches in Europe (Alan Kennedy, Terry Curran etc.).
Malcolm Macdonald – Huddersfield Town (1987-1988)
Do you remember the nervous tick Dreyfus develops as a result of close contact with Inspector Clouseau? It was probably modelled on Malcolm Macdonald. Having done a decent job at Fulham (aided in no small measure by Ray Harford’s coaching), Macdonald seemed a reasonable bet for success at Huddersfield. Not so. Erratic tactical decisions, the selling of Duncan Shearer, a hideous black and yellow check away shirt and, it is rumoured, ‘refuelling’ problems all contributed to a relegation season which culminated in a 10-1 drubbing away to Manchester City. At the least the fans had a sense of humour. When they scored a penalty at 9-0 down, they sang, “You’re not singing anymore”. Malcolm wasn’t though.
Bryan Robson – Middlesbrough (1994 – 2000)
He’s rubbish! Middlesbrough fell prey to the ‘he was a good player, so he must be a good manager’ syndrome. Well, firstly, he was overrated as a player and, secondly, he’s indisputably crap as a manager (as his subsequent tenures at West Brom, Bradford and Sheff United all amply demonstrate). Despite having spent £78m. during his time there (including a few million on Brian Deane: do you see a pattern emerging here?), they were still relegated twice. The football they played was terrible. He preferred Hamilton Ricard to the much more accomplished Alan Armstrong (later sold to Ipswich). As John Cooper Clarke once said, “some people can’t think of a good word for you, but I can: twat.”
Chris Waddle – Burnley (1997-1998)
When will football chairmen learn that brilliant footballers don’t always (or often, for that matter) make very good managers? Even ones who worked in Wallsend sausage factories. Though some have been kind in suggesting he was hamstrung by a spendthrift board, I’m not one of them. Made all the classic mistakes of the rookie manager. He fiddled about incessantly with the team formation (playing 3-5-2 is fine in Marseille, Chris, but less so with centre-backs that look like bin-lorries manoeuvring). He often sidelined their best player (and the one most like Waddle himself), the brilliant Glen Little. He fielded 33 players that season (compared with 24 the season before). To cap it all he signed Gordon ‘Sid’ Cowans. Aged 40. They did avoid relegation on the last day of the season, but God knows how. Have a word with yourself.
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