santa cruz is comin'
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Was it only a year ago I was bemoaning the failed England squad and their pointless personal manifestos, justifying their well paid existence…so what shall we talk about this year?
How about failed England Squad biographies? Ok, Egg Chasers, but you can’t help but feel a little smug after lots of self-righteous condemnation (from all sports, not just Rugger) of our hapless footballers. The sight of one of England’s finest Rugby players going out in a blaze of self-pity and bluster is, well, quite funny. The other from an aging player, only there because of injuries to others, making little contribution to the games and then whining when he gets back is easier to ignore. Their target admittedly did have the look of a kindly alcoholic uncle, who stumbled into a family photo with his flies down, but he’s a great man of Lancashire and I’ll brook no criticism.
I like Rugby, both codes…but that’s not why I’m here…Football is the beginning and the end for Football Matters and I wouldn’t be surprised if that last paragraph ends up on the editor’s floor…or getting a sharp rebuke at least (no, left it in because the Brian Ashton gag made me ‘LOL’, as da yoof would say… - easily pleased Ed).
By the end of this article I expect you to be fully cognisant with the breadth of choice you have for that essential football related gift, and hopefully you’ll avoid the perennially high number of Turkeys that await the unsuspecting buyer.
Already in the well thumbed archives of this paragon of football wordsmithery a number of excellent books have been reviewed and recommended so I save myself a deal of typing and you a deal of reading by commending to you the books by Adrian Chiles, Barry Davies, Norman Whiteside, and Jim White’s opus on managing his son’s football team. Everyone a winner, a satisfying read and destined to disappoint no one unwrapping them this coming Christmas morn’ (check out our reviews in the July & September 07 entries in the archive section to the left – helpful Ed).
Around this time of year the book trade gets vaguely excited by the William Hill Sports Book of the Year Award. Generally this means three quite dull sport books, two you’ve never heard of and one genuinely brilliant book are announced as their shortlist. It’s quite prestigious and on rare occasions it gets it right. A few years ago Tony Cascarino’s Full Time rightfully carried off the prize and in 2005 Gary Imlach’s My Father and other Working Class Football Heroes won. I only read the latter this year, don’t know why it took so long. Genuinely affecting, it’s a remarkable examination of a time, not so long a go, where a man could hold sixty thousand people enthralled yet be bought and sold like livestock. It rises above the standard football book courtesy of Imlach’s examination of his own relationship with his father through his search for recognition for a man who would’ve been a millionaire today. It’s all about fathers and sons, what we say and do and more importantly what we don’t. How about it as a companion to the Jim White book, which would make any fan’s Christmas.
This year's shortlist contains three Football possibilities: Sir Bobby Charlton’s football memoir; Up Pompey, the bizarre life of a Portsmouth fan; and Provided You Don’t Kiss Me, a local reporter's 20 years of dealing with Brian Clough.
Sir Bobby’s (or Saint Bobby’s if you will) is pretty standard fare; The Manchester United Years concentrates on the most celebrated part of his life. Frankly you’ll not find a career to match Charlton’s, all the winner’s medals and surviving Munich. A no-brainer for any Man U fan or indeed anybody who can see beyond the ‘Hate Man U’ culture that exists in the football community.
Up Pompey is a different kettle of fish altogether. Chuck Culpepper is an award winning American sports journalist. Bored with the daily grind of his beat he decides to up sticks and live in England. His love of sport soon saw him enjoy the national game and to heighten the experience he chose to follow Portsmouth. This is his story of an outsider immersing himself in the essential football experience, fear of relegation, inexplicable tribal hatreds and inescapable highs and lows (a bit like that Hobbit becoming a member of the ICF in that film then? Or more like The Miracle of Castel di Sangro hits the south coast? – Ed unconvinced by Americans ‘discovering’ the beautiful game).
Possibly the best of the three is ex-Nottingham Evening Post sports writer Duncan Hamilton’s Provided You Don’t Kiss Me: My 20 years with Brian Clough. This is essentially another Clough biography, but from his first nervous meeting with the great man, it’s Hamilton’s relationship with Clough that makes this a really fascinating read. It’s not fawning, Hamilton reveals Clough warts and all but provides a little more human context to some of his worst excesses. It’s worth considering David Peace’s Clough novel The Damned United as a little extra (as reviewed here Sept 06).
It’s a funny old game or so Jimmy Greaves used to tell us before his recent declaration of support for the world of Rugby. Humorous footy fare is the easiest to buy but the hardest to get right, partly because so little quality control ever takes place. At the rear end of this market we are in throwaway ‘choose anything’ or at best ‘stocking filler’ territory. This isn’t to say that there aren’t some worthwhile ‘toilet reads’ amongst the dross, but it’s so very hard to tell!
Pulled off at Half Time isn’t bad; it’s been done before and will be done again. As long as Television companies insist on employing overgrown boys who carved out fair to middling careers in the game rather than learning to speak then there will be plenty of mis-quotes, mangled phrases and unfortunate innuendo bellowed at you on a Sunday tea-time.
Remember the fixed grin you sport every year as you open the ex-footballer/hard-man celeb presents Soccer’s funniest fouls or whatever…well brace yourselves…Russell Brand’s Irons on the Fire! I know the Guardian gives him space to wax lyrical about West Ham but frankly it feels a bit forced to me. I expect to see Russell Brand on Fly Fishing next year. Tim Lovejoy, once a very marketable force in football, has probably left it a year too late for Lovejoy on Football. He’s really a bit comfy Jumpers and cookery tips now, dontcha think? I could be wrong about both of these but who recalls Ricky Tomlinson’s Football My Arse! The prosecution rests.
A far better bet for a rib tickling Christmas, and it’ll tick Guardian readers boxes, is Dribble, the Unbelievable A-Z of football by Harry Pearson…as tall as Brand but with superior credentials in both Sport and Comedy. His surreal take on football has graced a weekly column for years and now he answers the questions we never thought to ask and cuts a straight line through the glottal-stop, malaprop-ist world of football language. Ignore the rest; this is the fellow for you (check out our review in September).
Across the vast pulped trees of the publishing world the last couple of Yuletides have seen the passion for Retro-publishing take hold. We generally get one left field soar-away success, a following year of some very good and timely reminders of our childhood obsessions and then we get flooded with reprints of anything and everything published between 1950 and 1980...that is out of copyright obviously, Christmas is a time to maximise the margin.
Last year we had a chance to wallow in nostalgia with some excellent Football re-prints. If you enjoyed the Charlie Buchan book and you are a Manchester United or Arsenal fan (s’alright, you don’t have to say it out loud or put your hand up) then you’ll be delighted to know that there are Charles Buchan specials on both. The rest of us will have to wait, some longer than others I suspect.
Given the ‘football writer deity-like’ status of the author I’d like to give Hunter Davies’ Bumper Book of Football a mention here. It looks, deliberately, like a retro-reprint mined from the coal seam of Footy nostalgia. Given the author’s vast collection of first edition magazines and periodicals I wouldn’t be surprised if this is where most of the material comes from, but it’s a cut above lazy publishing. This might be the very thing, should you be stuck for a present idea for your Father, the Father in law, Uncles etc. Lovingly, authentically produced and a decent read too! (why not get him a goalfood t shirt to boot – site gaffer attempts to master subliminal marketing)
The fact that there are Manchester United and Arsenal Charles Buchan specials just highlights the publishing obsession with the big clubs. Despair not football league fans, with a bit of digging there are books on most clubs in the country. Generally these are locally published and usually though not exclusively available through club shops. Breedon books are an excellent publisher of books for local areas and they get everywhere. A bit of extra work required here, but it’s all in the thrill of the chase.
From September onwards the heavyweight biographies appear on the shelves, we’ve already mentioned some of the contenders, but should you require more choice, how about these…
Peter Crouch, a modern day phenomenon, celebrated and vilified in equal measure he’s managed to make an unlikely journey to the top of his profession. It’s a measure of the naivety, demeanour and general likeability of the man that he initially didn’t like the eventual title Walking Tall because it drew attention to his height! I think it’s only the hardest and most cynical of football fan that would begrudge ‘Rodders’ a successful career, lets just hope he survives his idiot girlfriend!
Less easy to like is Neil Warnock, Colin as most of you are thinking has a bit of a chequered relationship with most of football and whether it’s a tactic or an unfortunate affliction, he certainly has a talent for rubbing folk up the wrong way. There are, however, enclaves of Warnock support up and down the country and his autobiography ought to be at the very least an interesting read.
There’s a couple of interesting paperbacks for the older football fan, Clown Prince of Soccer the autobiography of Len Shackleton, a reprint of a fifties book and Setting the Record Straight by Peter Swan. Corruption is high on the pub chat agenda and the Swan story is of particular interest.
I dare you to buy your father in law Cristiano Ronaldo ‘Moments’, a soft focus book of photographs of the Portuguese wunderkind…well a lot of photos of his pecs and six pack anyway. Give it with a warm heart and settle down for a tirade about overpaid foreigners ruining our game.
The Illustrated Alan Shearer was widely expected to top the football publication charts this year, and it still probably will as the short of imagination pile into shops to buy the first thing they see. It’s with a deal of satisfaction then that I can reveal that currently Shearer is getting a pasting from Ian Holloway’s Ollie. A decent bloke, with an interesting life and an even more interesting turn of phrase, why wouldn’t you buy this instead of pictures of Shearer’s palatial home?
A big gap in last year’s ramble through the books for Christmas is something for the kids. Shops want you to spend way to much on your kids and so do I, but they’ll try to get you to buy any old dross, branded by one of the ‘big four’ (remember when it was the big five!). Not me, I’d like to point you in the right direction!
Let me make a few assumptions here. I’m heading down this road myself soon and this is what I’m expecting to happen, I am going to give my child, male or female, every opportunity to follow my team. I know the misery facing it, but I need a companion in despair. Therefore I am already eyeing up romper suits and replica baby kits.
I’m assuming that sometimes the battle will be lost, the number of kids walking around in clownish Chelsea kits must reflect the way the saturation coverage of the ‘cream’ of English football makes following an alternative a difficult playground choice. But I think you can buy football books for your kids that can entertain, educate and give them a basic grounding in all things footy which might just make junior think twice about that defection.
The obvious choice would be one of the legion of annuals produced this time of year. Considering you shouldn’t ever have to pay full price for any of these then they are pretty good value as a stocking filler, the general ones, Match, Shoot or Match of the Day are decent efforts but Premier League obsessed. Frustrating if you want to keep the kids supporting Doncaster or Lincoln.
It would be nice if you could encourage reading via a football related story or two, but it’s very difficult to find anything worth reading. Those of you of a certain vintage will remember Bill McNaughton’s The Goalkeeper’s Revenge, although I can only remember the story about the kid with one lung who made a go-kart. I can also remember the doyen of football writers Brian Glanville who wrote an ideal football book for older kids, Goalkeepers are Different.
For younger readers it’s hard to see outside the generic football reads pushed out by the likes of Rob Childs. Do look out for Horrid Henry and the Football Fiend for the 8’s and under and for the 9 to 12’s I’ve been told Dan Freeman’s The Kick Off is a very well put together novel. Interestingly also entering this market this Christmas is ex-Burnley, Everton and England midfielder Martin Dobson. The Ultimate Goal is the first of a series of books about two boys making their way in the game. I can’t vouch for the quality of writing but it ought to be authentic at least.
Before I completely leave the younger readers alone, let’s talk about My Football Year. Aimed at football fans of all ages this could be the start of a new chapter in publishing or the biggest turkey this Christmas. Although you are buying a book, there’s very little content, you are actually buying a password to a website where you can design your own book of the season for your favourite club. You choose the pictures, edit the reports and write the captions…when you are done press print and the Hardback book is sent to you. Something different I think you’ll agree and I like the potential for parents and kids building the book together. Whether it proves to be something successful remains to be seen.
As this ramble through this years page’s of football potential draws to a close let me give a few honourable mentions to books getting close to being highlighted but just falling short. A Cultured Left Foot, Musa Okwonga’s attempt to create the perfect player. Thank God for Football, Peter Lupson’s celebration of the role that the church played in the setting up of football clubs in Britain including 12 of the 37 who have graced the Premiership. The paperback edition of the doorstep that is David Goldblatt’s The Ball Is Round, a fantastic history of football, only slightly less heavy for being in soft back, but a smashing present never the less. 1001 Football Moments a photographic tour of world football, well produced and every picture a talking point.
As ever there’s more out there and I must have missed a gem or two along the way, but if any of the above deflect you away from Both Barrels from Brazil, then my work here is done. Merry Christmas.