If a commodity as dull and uninspiring as washing powder or bleach can constantly be re-packaged and reinvented, you’d have thought they could do the same with the management of Team England.
And you’d be dead right.
Now, remember that confused-looking bloke that used to sit in the dugout next to Sven? You know the one: eczema raging, frantically scribbling notes and dressed in a look that can only be described as ‘paedo gym teacher casual’ (isn’t that a track by The Fall? – Ed).
Of course you do. Well, that’s new England manager, Steve McClaren.
Except it’s not that Steve McClaren. It’s the new, improved Steve McClaren. He’s exciting. He’s got fresh ideas. He’s his own man. Indeed, in his own words: “It’s going to be different from Sven, totally different. I'm going to do it my way.”
This verbal dexterity underlines the need for the new regime to quickly place as much distance between itself and the supine Swede as possible.
Although gone, Eriksson is not forgotten and his tenure continues to cast a pall over the English game. Sven even remains a financial drain, receiving oodles of cash from the FA that they were clearly desperate to waste elsewhere – on the appointment of Toon legend Alan Shearer to ‘act as a conduit between management and players’, for example.
England have already dug deep to hire one Terrence Frederick Venables as McClaren’s assistant. I’m not sure about this ‘blast from the past’ coupling. It smacks of the same kind of muddled thinking that put Elton John and Pete Doherty together at Live8.
Venables has much to prove. A glittering career peaked at Euro ’96 but subsequently stalled at Leeds, Portsmouth and Crystal Palace. But for the time being, let’s give the bloke a break – after all, he did win Soccer Aid.
There is undoubtedly a fresh feeling around the England camp and to this end, McClaren’s PR offensive has worked. In addition, by consigning Beckham’s England career to the dustbin of history, he has already provided a tangible break from the past.
The most disturbing part of McClaren thus far has been his behaviour at the post match interview. After the Macedonia game, he fixed the BBC’s inquisitor-in-chief with his best shit eating grin and delivered a toe-curling: “Well described, Garth, and you’re absolutely right.”
But what have we actually learnt about ‘new’ England on the field? Well, in three games that can barely be described as competitive, we know that Phil Neville is still crap, Frank Lampard is heading in that direction and Downing’s inadequacies mean that the left-sided question so beloved of Motty will keep its ugly head raised.
On the plus side, the team got results with a numbing inevitability that Sven would have approved of. Sterner tests, away to Croatia, Israel and Russia, will tell us a great deal more.
England still need to do a lot more if they are to demonstrate whether they have a realistic chance of getting involved at major tournaments beyond the quarter final stage. And that will take a more than clever packaging.
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